Goodbye Tomorrow

So, I think it's official. My husband no longer loves me. It's crushing. I've seen it coming. Watching him slowly slip away these past few months. Wanting to spend less time with me. Not listening when I'm talking to him. Wanting me less physically, but when he does want it he takes it with no regards to my feelings. Usually forcing himself on me and hurting me. And when I try to go to him so I can try to be close to him, he turns me away. He never sends me messages from work anymore, while coming home and telling me about the others girls he texted while at work.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I feel empty and confused. He is my life. All I have to work for. I wake up in the morning and think of what I'm going to do for him today. Should I make him another cake, maybe some cookies for his co-workers. What should he take for lunch to work today. Did he remember to eat breakfast before leaving. I should make sure to clean up his dishes. Did he let the dogs out or do I need to. What shall I make for dinner. Does anything need to be taken out of the freezer. Maybe I should save that for another day so we can have a nice sit-down dinner.

I tend to forget to feed myself. Or when I remember I tend not to eat anyways. Always afraid I'll eat something he'll want later. Or he won't have enough for his lunch. Or maybe, if I eat too much, we won't have enough food to make it to payday. He deserves the food. He earns the money for it. Today for example. I almost fainted on the stove making dinner cause my blood sugar is was so low for not eating all day. But I splashed some water on my face so I could make sure not to burn dinner. After I fed him, which he didn't thank me for or say any comments while he sat in front of the T.V. I rushed a few little bites before putting the rest away for his lunches, then went around cleaning after dinner. Loading the dishwasher, then loading the washing machine, because I thought maybe he was low on work socks. But when I finally sat down to take a rest, I realized he had gone to bed without saying anything to me and leaving the T.V. on.

I knew he was tired. They are doing extra training at work. He did 7 hours of bike training. Very tired. But still. . . I couldn't help but bite back tears that he didn't even say goodnight, or give me a kiss. He's been drifting so far away from me. And its becoming more and more difficult trying to reach him. And he's been so cranky this last few days. I don't know what to say, or do to make him feel better. I'm so lost. I just want to cuddle with my teddy bear and cry. But my bear is in the bedroom at the foot of the bed and I don't want to disturb him. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone.