*sigh*

I'm depressed. Why? Because I haven't been able to use my nook. And I can't use my nook again until after pay day where I can go to Barnes and Noble and get a new charging cable because their designers are idiots and made a cheap pathetic cable. Bleh. HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT THE TECHNOLOGY! Just kidding. I don't really have time to read with so many orders to fill right now. But it was nice to have the pattern data base all on my nook.

Meh, another day. Just woke up and I'm in a weird mood. So I thought I would make that post. I'm thirsty. I'm gonna go get a coke.

Things about Knits

So as some know I've been really into knitting lately. And apparently my work is getting quite popular. I started out with just some Harry Potter house hats for my sister and some of her friends. Then for xmas I made a large-movie accurate Ravenclaw scarf. She loved it. I made the slightly smaller Gryfindor scarf of the later years for my mother. She seemed to enjoy it as well. Then on her birthday, which was yesterday, I made her a purple purse with black bamboo handles. I haven't got a picture of it, because my camera was mysteriously missing for the event. But I will get a pic up soon.

My hubby wearing Savs big Ravenclaw scarf

And here's hubby wearing the scarf I made mom. It was a bit smaller obviously. And hubby doesn't like being a model. >,<

By the way these pictures are so nicely provided because hubby got me a new camera for xmas. He's the best. :P

I'm trying to make it a habit

I know it's been a few months since I've written. Even though I made this site so I could find a way to find my voice. Speak my emotions instead of bottling them up. I guess I've just been finding it hard.

I've been raised to keep things to myself. Was told that everyone has pain, to shut up, keep on with life.

Lately, I've been having a lot of thoughts. About my worth in life. How I want to be more. How I feel so useless and broken.

*sigh* Depressing shit.

So, stay calm, and knit on. Lol. I've been knitting like crazy lately. My newest favorite hobby. I've made three hats and I'm making a scarf. Two scarves actually. Both for Christmas gifts but one especially for my sister for Christmas and the other for my mother for her birthday a month after. I know that sounds silly. And I feel safe  publicly put it out there cause nobody reads this. Lol. But I'm okay with that.

Anyways. I promise I will write more. I'm sure it's good for me.

Okay, it is 2:41 AM and I'm watching The Guardian.

An Update

I'm sorry it takes me so long to update. I feel a lot that I have nothing to say. Which is what I should be fixing.

Anyways, it is day four that my husband has been away playing army. Ten more days to go. I feel lonely without him.

He hates being in the army. And I understand why. Our government is poisoning our country and our  soldiers are taking a big hit from it. Like for the time the government shut down recently because they couldn't agree on budget cuts. All the soldiers fighting overseas didn't get paid that week. And the reserves were cancelled for that month. Talk about jilting the ones you are sacrificing. An obvious sign they are too concerned with themselves to care about who they are actually leading. And with the increase in political scandals. No wonder our country is going to the hole. Our leaders are dragging us down. I feel so ashamed. Why couldn't we have listened to our first president. Nobody cared. Oh well. Maybe I'll just move somewhere else.

There are many countries that are lovely. I shall research foreign governments.

Anyways. Done ranting about that. I've began picking up a past-time as my new hobby. Mostly because my sewing machine has decide that it hates me. You're going to laugh. My new hobby, (that I seem to be actually okay at) is coloring. Isn't that so immature of me. I will post some of my pictures on here someday soon. I just need to figure out how to change my site rating level. As a former artist I do not have a problem with nudity, but others may be offended. And my husband tends to pick the things I color and he's a total perv.

Must be off. Getting kinda late. And I have things to do tomorrow.

Current time is 1:06 am and I am currently watching Bleach, japanese version.

I'm Back

I wish to apologize to my two followers. It is 7:38 AM and I thought I would write what's been happening lately not as an excuse but to explain my absence. I will start in order, not by relevance.

My Porsche has been a pain in my ass, if it wasn't one thing breaking, once I got it running again, something else broke. Basically I had to replace the starter and then the clutch cylinder. Pain in my ass. And I think the thermometer is out. But that's for another day.

I've actually been going to the doctors. Ick. Yeah, I know. I hate doctors and I will rant and complain and evil doctors (and vets). But that is why I drive almost two towns over to see this particular doctor. But, anyways. I've been going to the doctor because there were suspicions I might have cancer. Uterine or Ovarian cancer to be precise. So far the tests are all returning with negative signs and I'm going back in a week or so for more tests.

My grandmother-in-law had a mini stroke. (My husbands grandmother) Of my husband family, I get along with her the most. I love listening to her stories about her life and experiences. Or just discussing recipes or recent news with her. We were all worried and scared for her. But thankfully, she pulled through. And is not almost back to normal. Now if only she would quit smoking.

My Great Aunt Patty died. I didn't see her much growing up because she lived almost on the other side of the state. But she was one of the few family members I could remember even though I saw her less. She died from cancer. I was never told which cancer she had but that's not important. Patty was a woman I admired. She was so bright, witty, energetic and just filled with sunshine. And yet she was so tiny. She was fire in a small package. Something I didn't know about her was that she was religious. Her pastor at the funeral said even though she had cancer for such a long time and even knew she was near her end, she never gave up her faith. She was never angry, never felt shortened, and wanted everyone to know she loved them and she was without pain with Jesus. I cried so hard even though I'm not religious. But the thought of my loved one going through so much pain but always keeping a happy heart. I loved her and I will remember her. I swear that. I will not let her disappear from my memories. Rest in Peace Patty.

We were out of town for a bit because Jorel (my husband) had to go out of state for a special army class. The trip was horrible the experience a pain, and we were screwed over in money. Let's just say, I maybe be never going back to Arkansas. But, the trip back was nice. We stopped at a nice hotel I've been having my eye on. It was so much relaxing and better to wind down the trip with.

More recently. My grandmother had a heart attack the other day. So we've been at my mother's house giving support. We are all scared for her.Well, I don't think my husband cares. He's been so grumpy lately. It's been almost heartbreaking. He's supposed to be the one that holds me when I'm scared, and he just tunes me out whenever I try to talk to him. But enough about that. I'm worried for my grandmother. I love her dearly. She has been declining in health for awhile now and this heart attack was a big scare. She seems to be getting better but the hospital she's at doesn't seem to want to care for her. It kinda pisses me off. (Another reason why I hate doctors)

Anyways, I've been under a lot of stress. Not to mention broke as hell so I haven't been eating a lot lately. I tend to just focus on making sure my husband has enough to eat. I'm so very tired. I feel deflated. Like a blow -up doll with a hole in her chest. Sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Just, sleep the rest of my life away. So very tired, and so very alone.

I Need Some Feedback

I know this probably isn't the best site for what I need. But I'm trying to make my life better. For me and for my family. I am overweight and have been cursed with a condition that weakens my immunity. I have started taking vitamins daily, forcing myself to drink water. Forcing myself to try to keep as much as the water down as I can. Excersising when I can, even if all I can manage is a little yoga some days. And being more aware as to what I eat and how I prepare it. I have started a garden to grow some of my own vegetables organically. I force myself to eat on a regular basis. Trying for healthy, high in vitamins and protein products. I even, *shudders*, I even signed up for health insurance and am going to see a doctor next month. Gods, I hate doctors so much. Oh, by the way in other news. My beautiful Porsche baby is fixed and running, one day after I finished fixing her up. *sniffles* She has a rattle in her chest. And the Gods smile at me in my failures. Well, at least the hubby got a raise. Cause now I might have to take Porsche to a car doctor. Yes, it's confirmed. The Gods are laughing at me. So please, I would like feedback and discussions. I literally have no friends besides a couple people in other countries that write me when they can. I'd like feedback to compare what I'm doing and it will help keep me on track with my life. Angelina signing off for now. P.S. Did anyone else know that Pomegranate is the newest flavor of tootsie pops? Did not know that and I gotta say, it's not bad.

Goodbye Tomorrow

So, I think it's official. My husband no longer loves me. It's crushing. I've seen it coming. Watching him slowly slip away these past few months. Wanting to spend less time with me. Not listening when I'm talking to him. Wanting me less physically, but when he does want it he takes it with no regards to my feelings. Usually forcing himself on me and hurting me. And when I try to go to him so I can try to be close to him, he turns me away. He never sends me messages from work anymore, while coming home and telling me about the others girls he texted while at work.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I feel empty and confused. He is my life. All I have to work for. I wake up in the morning and think of what I'm going to do for him today. Should I make him another cake, maybe some cookies for his co-workers. What should he take for lunch to work today. Did he remember to eat breakfast before leaving. I should make sure to clean up his dishes. Did he let the dogs out or do I need to. What shall I make for dinner. Does anything need to be taken out of the freezer. Maybe I should save that for another day so we can have a nice sit-down dinner.

I tend to forget to feed myself. Or when I remember I tend not to eat anyways. Always afraid I'll eat something he'll want later. Or he won't have enough for his lunch. Or maybe, if I eat too much, we won't have enough food to make it to payday. He deserves the food. He earns the money for it. Today for example. I almost fainted on the stove making dinner cause my blood sugar is was so low for not eating all day. But I splashed some water on my face so I could make sure not to burn dinner. After I fed him, which he didn't thank me for or say any comments while he sat in front of the T.V. I rushed a few little bites before putting the rest away for his lunches, then went around cleaning after dinner. Loading the dishwasher, then loading the washing machine, because I thought maybe he was low on work socks. But when I finally sat down to take a rest, I realized he had gone to bed without saying anything to me and leaving the T.V. on.

I knew he was tired. They are doing extra training at work. He did 7 hours of bike training. Very tired. But still. . . I couldn't help but bite back tears that he didn't even say goodnight, or give me a kiss. He's been drifting so far away from me. And its becoming more and more difficult trying to reach him. And he's been so cranky this last few days. I don't know what to say, or do to make him feel better. I'm so lost. I just want to cuddle with my teddy bear and cry. But my bear is in the bedroom at the foot of the bed and I don't want to disturb him. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone.