I know it's been a few months since I've written. Even though I made this site so I could find a way to find my voice. Speak my emotions instead of bottling them up. I guess I've just been finding it hard.
I've been raised to keep things to myself. Was told that everyone has pain, to shut up, keep on with life.
Lately, I've been having a lot of thoughts. About my worth in life. How I want to be more. How I feel so useless and broken.
*sigh* Depressing shit.
So, stay calm, and knit on. Lol. I've been knitting like crazy lately. My newest favorite hobby. I've made three hats and I'm making a scarf. Two scarves actually. Both for Christmas gifts but one especially for my sister for Christmas and the other for my mother for her birthday a month after. I know that sounds silly. And I feel safe publicly put it out there cause nobody reads this. Lol. But I'm okay with that.
Anyways. I promise I will write more. I'm sure it's good for me.
Okay, it is 2:41 AM and I'm watching The Guardian.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
An Update
I'm sorry it takes me so long to update. I feel a lot that I have nothing to say. Which is what I should be fixing.
Anyways, it is day four that my husband has been away playing army. Ten more days to go. I feel lonely without him.
He hates being in the army. And I understand why. Our government is poisoning our country and our soldiers are taking a big hit from it. Like for the time the government shut down recently because they couldn't agree on budget cuts. All the soldiers fighting overseas didn't get paid that week. And the reserves were cancelled for that month. Talk about jilting the ones you are sacrificing. An obvious sign they are too concerned with themselves to care about who they are actually leading. And with the increase in political scandals. No wonder our country is going to the hole. Our leaders are dragging us down. I feel so ashamed. Why couldn't we have listened to our first president. Nobody cared. Oh well. Maybe I'll just move somewhere else.
There are many countries that are lovely. I shall research foreign governments.
Anyways. Done ranting about that. I've began picking up a past-time as my new hobby. Mostly because my sewing machine has decide that it hates me. You're going to laugh. My new hobby, (that I seem to be actually okay at) is coloring. Isn't that so immature of me. I will post some of my pictures on here someday soon. I just need to figure out how to change my site rating level. As a former artist I do not have a problem with nudity, but others may be offended. And my husband tends to pick the things I color and he's a total perv.
Must be off. Getting kinda late. And I have things to do tomorrow.
Current time is 1:06 am and I am currently watching Bleach, japanese version.
Anyways, it is day four that my husband has been away playing army. Ten more days to go. I feel lonely without him.
He hates being in the army. And I understand why. Our government is poisoning our country and our soldiers are taking a big hit from it. Like for the time the government shut down recently because they couldn't agree on budget cuts. All the soldiers fighting overseas didn't get paid that week. And the reserves were cancelled for that month. Talk about jilting the ones you are sacrificing. An obvious sign they are too concerned with themselves to care about who they are actually leading. And with the increase in political scandals. No wonder our country is going to the hole. Our leaders are dragging us down. I feel so ashamed. Why couldn't we have listened to our first president. Nobody cared. Oh well. Maybe I'll just move somewhere else.
There are many countries that are lovely. I shall research foreign governments.
Anyways. Done ranting about that. I've began picking up a past-time as my new hobby. Mostly because my sewing machine has decide that it hates me. You're going to laugh. My new hobby, (that I seem to be actually okay at) is coloring. Isn't that so immature of me. I will post some of my pictures on here someday soon. I just need to figure out how to change my site rating level. As a former artist I do not have a problem with nudity, but others may be offended. And my husband tends to pick the things I color and he's a total perv.
Must be off. Getting kinda late. And I have things to do tomorrow.
Current time is 1:06 am and I am currently watching Bleach, japanese version.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I'm Back
I wish to apologize to my two followers. It is 7:38 AM and I thought I would write what's been happening lately not as an excuse but to explain my absence. I will start in order, not by relevance.
My Porsche has been a pain in my ass, if it wasn't one thing breaking, once I got it running again, something else broke. Basically I had to replace the starter and then the clutch cylinder. Pain in my ass. And I think the thermometer is out. But that's for another day.
I've actually been going to the doctors. Ick. Yeah, I know. I hate doctors and I will rant and complain and evil doctors (and vets). But that is why I drive almost two towns over to see this particular doctor. But, anyways. I've been going to the doctor because there were suspicions I might have cancer. Uterine or Ovarian cancer to be precise. So far the tests are all returning with negative signs and I'm going back in a week or so for more tests.
My grandmother-in-law had a mini stroke. (My husbands grandmother) Of my husband family, I get along with her the most. I love listening to her stories about her life and experiences. Or just discussing recipes or recent news with her. We were all worried and scared for her. But thankfully, she pulled through. And is not almost back to normal. Now if only she would quit smoking.
My Great Aunt Patty died. I didn't see her much growing up because she lived almost on the other side of the state. But she was one of the few family members I could remember even though I saw her less. She died from cancer. I was never told which cancer she had but that's not important. Patty was a woman I admired. She was so bright, witty, energetic and just filled with sunshine. And yet she was so tiny. She was fire in a small package. Something I didn't know about her was that she was religious. Her pastor at the funeral said even though she had cancer for such a long time and even knew she was near her end, she never gave up her faith. She was never angry, never felt shortened, and wanted everyone to know she loved them and she was without pain with Jesus. I cried so hard even though I'm not religious. But the thought of my loved one going through so much pain but always keeping a happy heart. I loved her and I will remember her. I swear that. I will not let her disappear from my memories. Rest in Peace Patty.
We were out of town for a bit because Jorel (my husband) had to go out of state for a special army class. The trip was horrible the experience a pain, and we were screwed over in money. Let's just say, I maybe be never going back to Arkansas. But, the trip back was nice. We stopped at a nice hotel I've been having my eye on. It was so much relaxing and better to wind down the trip with.
More recently. My grandmother had a heart attack the other day. So we've been at my mother's house giving support. We are all scared for her.Well, I don't think my husband cares. He's been so grumpy lately. It's been almost heartbreaking. He's supposed to be the one that holds me when I'm scared, and he just tunes me out whenever I try to talk to him. But enough about that. I'm worried for my grandmother. I love her dearly. She has been declining in health for awhile now and this heart attack was a big scare. She seems to be getting better but the hospital she's at doesn't seem to want to care for her. It kinda pisses me off. (Another reason why I hate doctors)
Anyways, I've been under a lot of stress. Not to mention broke as hell so I haven't been eating a lot lately. I tend to just focus on making sure my husband has enough to eat. I'm so very tired. I feel deflated. Like a blow -up doll with a hole in her chest. Sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Just, sleep the rest of my life away. So very tired, and so very alone.
My Porsche has been a pain in my ass, if it wasn't one thing breaking, once I got it running again, something else broke. Basically I had to replace the starter and then the clutch cylinder. Pain in my ass. And I think the thermometer is out. But that's for another day.
I've actually been going to the doctors. Ick. Yeah, I know. I hate doctors and I will rant and complain and evil doctors (and vets). But that is why I drive almost two towns over to see this particular doctor. But, anyways. I've been going to the doctor because there were suspicions I might have cancer. Uterine or Ovarian cancer to be precise. So far the tests are all returning with negative signs and I'm going back in a week or so for more tests.
My grandmother-in-law had a mini stroke. (My husbands grandmother) Of my husband family, I get along with her the most. I love listening to her stories about her life and experiences. Or just discussing recipes or recent news with her. We were all worried and scared for her. But thankfully, she pulled through. And is not almost back to normal. Now if only she would quit smoking.
My Great Aunt Patty died. I didn't see her much growing up because she lived almost on the other side of the state. But she was one of the few family members I could remember even though I saw her less. She died from cancer. I was never told which cancer she had but that's not important. Patty was a woman I admired. She was so bright, witty, energetic and just filled with sunshine. And yet she was so tiny. She was fire in a small package. Something I didn't know about her was that she was religious. Her pastor at the funeral said even though she had cancer for such a long time and even knew she was near her end, she never gave up her faith. She was never angry, never felt shortened, and wanted everyone to know she loved them and she was without pain with Jesus. I cried so hard even though I'm not religious. But the thought of my loved one going through so much pain but always keeping a happy heart. I loved her and I will remember her. I swear that. I will not let her disappear from my memories. Rest in Peace Patty.
We were out of town for a bit because Jorel (my husband) had to go out of state for a special army class. The trip was horrible the experience a pain, and we were screwed over in money. Let's just say, I maybe be never going back to Arkansas. But, the trip back was nice. We stopped at a nice hotel I've been having my eye on. It was so much relaxing and better to wind down the trip with.
More recently. My grandmother had a heart attack the other day. So we've been at my mother's house giving support. We are all scared for her.Well, I don't think my husband cares. He's been so grumpy lately. It's been almost heartbreaking. He's supposed to be the one that holds me when I'm scared, and he just tunes me out whenever I try to talk to him. But enough about that. I'm worried for my grandmother. I love her dearly. She has been declining in health for awhile now and this heart attack was a big scare. She seems to be getting better but the hospital she's at doesn't seem to want to care for her. It kinda pisses me off. (Another reason why I hate doctors)
Anyways, I've been under a lot of stress. Not to mention broke as hell so I haven't been eating a lot lately. I tend to just focus on making sure my husband has enough to eat. I'm so very tired. I feel deflated. Like a blow -up doll with a hole in her chest. Sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Just, sleep the rest of my life away. So very tired, and so very alone.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I Need Some Feedback
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Thursday, March 10, 2011
Goodbye Tomorrow
So, I think it's official. My husband no longer loves me. It's crushing. I've seen it coming. Watching him slowly slip away these past few months. Wanting to spend less time with me. Not listening when I'm talking to him. Wanting me less physically, but when he does want it he takes it with no regards to my feelings. Usually forcing himself on me and hurting me. And when I try to go to him so I can try to be close to him, he turns me away. He never sends me messages from work anymore, while coming home and telling me about the others girls he texted while at work.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I feel empty and confused. He is my life. All I have to work for. I wake up in the morning and think of what I'm going to do for him today. Should I make him another cake, maybe some cookies for his co-workers. What should he take for lunch to work today. Did he remember to eat breakfast before leaving. I should make sure to clean up his dishes. Did he let the dogs out or do I need to. What shall I make for dinner. Does anything need to be taken out of the freezer. Maybe I should save that for another day so we can have a nice sit-down dinner.
I tend to forget to feed myself. Or when I remember I tend not to eat anyways. Always afraid I'll eat something he'll want later. Or he won't have enough for his lunch. Or maybe, if I eat too much, we won't have enough food to make it to payday. He deserves the food. He earns the money for it. Today for example. I almost fainted on the stove making dinner cause my blood sugar is was so low for not eating all day. But I splashed some water on my face so I could make sure not to burn dinner. After I fed him, which he didn't thank me for or say any comments while he sat in front of the T.V. I rushed a few little bites before putting the rest away for his lunches, then went around cleaning after dinner. Loading the dishwasher, then loading the washing machine, because I thought maybe he was low on work socks. But when I finally sat down to take a rest, I realized he had gone to bed without saying anything to me and leaving the T.V. on.
I knew he was tired. They are doing extra training at work. He did 7 hours of bike training. Very tired. But still. . . I couldn't help but bite back tears that he didn't even say goodnight, or give me a kiss. He's been drifting so far away from me. And its becoming more and more difficult trying to reach him. And he's been so cranky this last few days. I don't know what to say, or do to make him feel better. I'm so lost. I just want to cuddle with my teddy bear and cry. But my bear is in the bedroom at the foot of the bed and I don't want to disturb him. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I feel empty and confused. He is my life. All I have to work for. I wake up in the morning and think of what I'm going to do for him today. Should I make him another cake, maybe some cookies for his co-workers. What should he take for lunch to work today. Did he remember to eat breakfast before leaving. I should make sure to clean up his dishes. Did he let the dogs out or do I need to. What shall I make for dinner. Does anything need to be taken out of the freezer. Maybe I should save that for another day so we can have a nice sit-down dinner.
I tend to forget to feed myself. Or when I remember I tend not to eat anyways. Always afraid I'll eat something he'll want later. Or he won't have enough for his lunch. Or maybe, if I eat too much, we won't have enough food to make it to payday. He deserves the food. He earns the money for it. Today for example. I almost fainted on the stove making dinner cause my blood sugar is was so low for not eating all day. But I splashed some water on my face so I could make sure not to burn dinner. After I fed him, which he didn't thank me for or say any comments while he sat in front of the T.V. I rushed a few little bites before putting the rest away for his lunches, then went around cleaning after dinner. Loading the dishwasher, then loading the washing machine, because I thought maybe he was low on work socks. But when I finally sat down to take a rest, I realized he had gone to bed without saying anything to me and leaving the T.V. on.
I knew he was tired. They are doing extra training at work. He did 7 hours of bike training. Very tired. But still. . . I couldn't help but bite back tears that he didn't even say goodnight, or give me a kiss. He's been drifting so far away from me. And its becoming more and more difficult trying to reach him. And he's been so cranky this last few days. I don't know what to say, or do to make him feel better. I'm so lost. I just want to cuddle with my teddy bear and cry. But my bear is in the bedroom at the foot of the bed and I don't want to disturb him. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Hello Today
So I haven't written anything in awhile. My computer was sick. It didn't really have a virus per se. But it had some kind of memory problem. My computer friend fixed me up though. So yay.
Filed for taxes the other day. It was almost half of last years. But we're still in the positive, so its still good.
I got my new camera while I was away so I'll have some pictures up soon. Pictures of food I've made, my pets, and just random stuff I see. You won't see in pictures of me though. I don't like being in the photos.
Funny thing that happened today, one of the dogs tried to eat my husbands calzone while it was cooling. He didn't think it was funny. But I thought it was. He only nipped a little off the corner.
So. I think I'll go play Plants V.S. Zombies now. :P
Till next time
Filed for taxes the other day. It was almost half of last years. But we're still in the positive, so its still good.
I got my new camera while I was away so I'll have some pictures up soon. Pictures of food I've made, my pets, and just random stuff I see. You won't see in pictures of me though. I don't like being in the photos.
Funny thing that happened today, one of the dogs tried to eat my husbands calzone while it was cooling. He didn't think it was funny. But I thought it was. He only nipped a little off the corner.
So. I think I'll go play Plants V.S. Zombies now. :P
Till next time
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thoughts I didn't really want to look at
So, I've been doing some deep thinking lately. Not very like me, but I really did. I've really been thinking about the uselessness of my life and the burden I am and have caused.
This is why I don't think. Because it usually comes back down to this.
My whole life I've been pushed around and squashed down and been molded into something to serve others and show no feelings. I've lived my life to serve and try to make people happy. I guess I thought if I tried hard enough and gave hard enough, someone would love me. But it never worked out that way.
But, I'm not gonna go into that. I've got secrets, but secrets can get people in trouble. No one ever thinks the help have ears.
But, my thoughts of late have been about my husband. I love him so dearly. I thought he was my one bit of light and happiness I was allowed to have in this life. Though, I've been thinking more and more often. Maybe everyone was right. We were young, and we rushed into things. I love him so so much. But, the truth is, I don't deserve him. The more and more I look at things, it makes me feel more useless and not good enough. . . And I think . . . That he is starting to realize this too. . . And it hurts, but I just keep seeing more and more reasons that I need to disappear. . .
I've even picked out the next wife for him. She's practically a better version of me. A lot of the same likes and common hobbies. More in common with my husband. And she's beautiful. My husband has already said he's fond of her. I think if I were out of the picture they would be so happy together.
But I know, I can't survive on my own. So I just need to find a way to disappear. It will make things so much better for everyone I love. And for others that don't even know it. I've sacrificed my feelings trying to make others happy my whole life. This would be my ultimate sacrifice. But it would make me happy. To make them happy. That's all I really want. Is to make them happy. To make him happy. And all I do is fail while I'm alive. So maybe it would be better to not be.
Those are my thoughts. Not like they really matter. I just wanted to sort them out easier and I know they'll be safe and hidden online.
This is why I don't think. Because it usually comes back down to this.
My whole life I've been pushed around and squashed down and been molded into something to serve others and show no feelings. I've lived my life to serve and try to make people happy. I guess I thought if I tried hard enough and gave hard enough, someone would love me. But it never worked out that way.
But, I'm not gonna go into that. I've got secrets, but secrets can get people in trouble. No one ever thinks the help have ears.
But, my thoughts of late have been about my husband. I love him so dearly. I thought he was my one bit of light and happiness I was allowed to have in this life. Though, I've been thinking more and more often. Maybe everyone was right. We were young, and we rushed into things. I love him so so much. But, the truth is, I don't deserve him. The more and more I look at things, it makes me feel more useless and not good enough. . . And I think . . . That he is starting to realize this too. . . And it hurts, but I just keep seeing more and more reasons that I need to disappear. . .
I've even picked out the next wife for him. She's practically a better version of me. A lot of the same likes and common hobbies. More in common with my husband. And she's beautiful. My husband has already said he's fond of her. I think if I were out of the picture they would be so happy together.
But I know, I can't survive on my own. So I just need to find a way to disappear. It will make things so much better for everyone I love. And for others that don't even know it. I've sacrificed my feelings trying to make others happy my whole life. This would be my ultimate sacrifice. But it would make me happy. To make them happy. That's all I really want. Is to make them happy. To make him happy. And all I do is fail while I'm alive. So maybe it would be better to not be.
Those are my thoughts. Not like they really matter. I just wanted to sort them out easier and I know they'll be safe and hidden online.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Bonjour
Today, I shall type with a french accent. :P
So, a lot has happened the past couple days. And I'm tired. Lol
So, pay day came early. I already said that. But we got up early and went to the bookstore and out to "lunch." Then went to our friends wedding around 6:30. The wedding was beautiful. Many people showed up. Makes me feel kinda crappy about myself. But oh well. Nothing new.
Lots of dancing and good music. Was lots of fun to watch all these young adults dancing with older relatives. All the friends they had were mostly from high school. I said that wrong. They were friends "in" high school. Only a few were underage. But everyone was close and had cute jokes and games.
I kinda felt like an outsider. It was so fun to watch. But made my chest hurt a little. I never could make many friends. And they all drifted away. Some rather quickly. My power of invisibility strengthened and I couldn't turn it off. I am forgetful and I am forgetful. Easy wiped from people's memories. *sighs*
It was so fun to watch. And I could at least dance a little with my husband. I have pictures of them dancing. I couldn't get any picture of the bride and groom. We were placed almost around the corner from the ceremony.
It's a picture of Jorel (hubby), Lance, and Roger (groom.) They were playing some wedding game where you could buy dances with the bride and groom. And Kayla (bride) had a long line of men suitors and Roger had no one. Lol. So Jorel and Lance decided they would dance with Roger to be a demonstration. And it worked. Lol. He got a big line of ladies.
This is a picture of everyone doing the macarina. Picture are pretty bad quality because they are from my phone. But my camera broke. Sadness. It was so fun to watch everyone have fun.
Ok. *wipes tears from eyes*
The party just would not disperse. Of course the older generation left first. But all his friends stayed behind to chat and dance and have fun. I don't think we got out of there until almost midnight. My feel were tired. And Jorel was even more tired because he and some friends watched a Ukrainian video on break dance moves that were ridiculous and did a unison dance that made everyone laugh there ass off. I should see if I can get that from someone. Maybe someone got a video. My phone couldn't take any more pictures.
After we left, we went to Ziggy's to munch on a couple of appetizers and decided we didn't want to go home. We were feeling good. He got a message from an army buddy. And we ended up saving her from a few drunk "friends" that were using all of her money. So we hung out together and became fast friends. I couldn't get myself to shut up. Me. Shy, talk to no one. I was going on and on about this and that. To like no end. It may have been the Cosmopolitan and the Amaretto Seduction I drank at the wedding. Plus, I was really tired and punch drunk. But I just couldn't stop talking with her.
She left us around 3 a.m. to drive her drunk friends home. I stayed up with hubby a couple more hours so mad that she was such a nice girl who let people treat her badly like she believed she didn't deserve better. I hate abusing friends. That's not friendship. Anyways, not going to ramble about that anymore.
Ok! Today. I traded my '94 Honda Civic with almost 200k miles on it for a '84 Porsche 944. Yes, I know. You're all jealous. Just kidding. Like any one will care.
The pic is one he took when we were discussing the trade. I'll get a new one tomorrow if I get up when the sun is out.
It's a 5-speed so I'm gonna have to learn stick. Joy. I already hate driving, but love cars. What's wrong with me? MMmmm, but I'm gonna love bending over that hood. He did a lot of work on it to upkeep so it's in good condition. But the fan blew out on his way to my place. Figures. So I'm gonna go out in the next couple of days to see if its the actual fan or the wiring. But, no biggie. Easy fix. Looking forward to it.
Wow, that was a lot of typing. And somewhere along the way the french accent disappeared from my head. Lol. I'll sign off for now. I bought a book about sushi the other day. So, Sayonara! <3
So, a lot has happened the past couple days. And I'm tired. Lol
So, pay day came early. I already said that. But we got up early and went to the bookstore and out to "lunch." Then went to our friends wedding around 6:30. The wedding was beautiful. Many people showed up. Makes me feel kinda crappy about myself. But oh well. Nothing new.
Lots of dancing and good music. Was lots of fun to watch all these young adults dancing with older relatives. All the friends they had were mostly from high school. I said that wrong. They were friends "in" high school. Only a few were underage. But everyone was close and had cute jokes and games.
I kinda felt like an outsider. It was so fun to watch. But made my chest hurt a little. I never could make many friends. And they all drifted away. Some rather quickly. My power of invisibility strengthened and I couldn't turn it off. I am forgetful and I am forgetful. Easy wiped from people's memories. *sighs*
It was so fun to watch. And I could at least dance a little with my husband. I have pictures of them dancing. I couldn't get any picture of the bride and groom. We were placed almost around the corner from the ceremony.
It's a picture of Jorel (hubby), Lance, and Roger (groom.) They were playing some wedding game where you could buy dances with the bride and groom. And Kayla (bride) had a long line of men suitors and Roger had no one. Lol. So Jorel and Lance decided they would dance with Roger to be a demonstration. And it worked. Lol. He got a big line of ladies.
This is a picture of everyone doing the macarina. Picture are pretty bad quality because they are from my phone. But my camera broke. Sadness. It was so fun to watch everyone have fun.
Ok. *wipes tears from eyes*
The party just would not disperse. Of course the older generation left first. But all his friends stayed behind to chat and dance and have fun. I don't think we got out of there until almost midnight. My feel were tired. And Jorel was even more tired because he and some friends watched a Ukrainian video on break dance moves that were ridiculous and did a unison dance that made everyone laugh there ass off. I should see if I can get that from someone. Maybe someone got a video. My phone couldn't take any more pictures.
After we left, we went to Ziggy's to munch on a couple of appetizers and decided we didn't want to go home. We were feeling good. He got a message from an army buddy. And we ended up saving her from a few drunk "friends" that were using all of her money. So we hung out together and became fast friends. I couldn't get myself to shut up. Me. Shy, talk to no one. I was going on and on about this and that. To like no end. It may have been the Cosmopolitan and the Amaretto Seduction I drank at the wedding. Plus, I was really tired and punch drunk. But I just couldn't stop talking with her.
She left us around 3 a.m. to drive her drunk friends home. I stayed up with hubby a couple more hours so mad that she was such a nice girl who let people treat her badly like she believed she didn't deserve better. I hate abusing friends. That's not friendship. Anyways, not going to ramble about that anymore.
Ok! Today. I traded my '94 Honda Civic with almost 200k miles on it for a '84 Porsche 944. Yes, I know. You're all jealous. Just kidding. Like any one will care.
The pic is one he took when we were discussing the trade. I'll get a new one tomorrow if I get up when the sun is out.
Wow, that was a lot of typing. And somewhere along the way the french accent disappeared from my head. Lol. I'll sign off for now. I bought a book about sushi the other day. So, Sayonara! <3
Friday, January 28, 2011
Its a Miracle!
Omg! Its a miracle! Payday came four days early and its nice and big with over time and holiday pay.
A Test
This is a test entry. I'm trying to post a entry from my phone. It is a blackberry and my husband tells me that is what technology is for.
I really don't have anything to write about.
I just finished watching The Duchess with Keira Knightly. I rather liked it. I wasn't sure it was my thing but I tend to like her movies. Historic movies set in that era do make me miss my violin terribly. I miss music. I felt so sour the other day when my mother told me she bought a piano. I miss creating music so much.
I really don't have anything to write about.
I just finished watching The Duchess with Keira Knightly. I rather liked it. I wasn't sure it was my thing but I tend to like her movies. Historic movies set in that era do make me miss my violin terribly. I miss music. I felt so sour the other day when my mother told me she bought a piano. I miss creating music so much.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Today's Thoughts
So, I feel very thoughtful today. But I must have a wire loose or something because I can't seem to stick on a single thought for long. This doesn't surprise me though.
Feeling of today. I'm not quite sure. I feel not really down, but more mellow. And no real desire to do anything today. Not really the desire to be lazy. But I can't think of anything to do. My hubby has left for work and I decided to get on the computer so I could at least listen to music.
Weather is nice today. Kinda cold, but not a lot of wind so it's comfortable to be outside for a little bit.
Done with talking about the weather . . .
Actually, I'm so bored, I think I will write out this months expenses in my little bill organizer. That's gotta be bored. But I like numbers, so it gives me something to do. Payday is Monday so I usually leave it til payday, but I guess if I do it now I have more time to shop then. I'll perhaps need it since I've decided to drive across town to the other Walmart. I think its nicer. Maybe I'll even go to Target. I like Target. So much nicer and cleaner. I liked working there. That was like, oh, two years ago I think. Maybe.
Anyways, I've ran out of things to say now. Oh wait!
I thought of something. I tried a new recipe last night. I was gonna take a picture to post, but my batteries died in my camera. Stupid technology. I made chinese fried rice and chicken terriyaki. It was very good. Made many servings with very little ingredients. Very budget friendly. Quite quick too. Well it would have been faster if I had a bigger rice maker. It's only a 3-cup maker. I would get a bigger one but I don't think I have room in my cupbards for it.
Now that's it.
I'm listening to Lifescapes Relaxing Orient.
And here is my picture for the day. <3
Feeling of today. I'm not quite sure. I feel not really down, but more mellow. And no real desire to do anything today. Not really the desire to be lazy. But I can't think of anything to do. My hubby has left for work and I decided to get on the computer so I could at least listen to music.
Weather is nice today. Kinda cold, but not a lot of wind so it's comfortable to be outside for a little bit.
Done with talking about the weather . . .
Actually, I'm so bored, I think I will write out this months expenses in my little bill organizer. That's gotta be bored. But I like numbers, so it gives me something to do. Payday is Monday so I usually leave it til payday, but I guess if I do it now I have more time to shop then. I'll perhaps need it since I've decided to drive across town to the other Walmart. I think its nicer. Maybe I'll even go to Target. I like Target. So much nicer and cleaner. I liked working there. That was like, oh, two years ago I think. Maybe.
Anyways, I've ran out of things to say now. Oh wait!
I thought of something. I tried a new recipe last night. I was gonna take a picture to post, but my batteries died in my camera. Stupid technology. I made chinese fried rice and chicken terriyaki. It was very good. Made many servings with very little ingredients. Very budget friendly. Quite quick too. Well it would have been faster if I had a bigger rice maker. It's only a 3-cup maker. I would get a bigger one but I don't think I have room in my cupbards for it.
Now that's it.
I'm listening to Lifescapes Relaxing Orient.
And here is my picture for the day. <3
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Thoughts for today
Well, I think I'm finally over that cold. Good riddance. All that's left is a deep pain in my chest. Probably from all the hacking.
So, anyways, thoughts for today. I was laying in bed last night and couldn't sleep cuz I had all these thoughts running around inside my head. I thought about getting up and blogging them to release them but I was on the inside of the bed and I didn't want to wake hubby. So, I'll try venting now and hope that will help me sleep tonight cuz I have to get up early tomorrow and help mom move. I'm glad she got her new house.
So, my thoughts were these. I was thinking about my upcoming "health kick". My husband and I have been discussing weight loss methods. That's actually why I started this blog. I read an article about people having more success with weightloss because they maintained a blog. -- We were discussing different diet methods and not coming up with a lot of options. My husband loves food, and I love to make food. Cooking is such a fun and exciting hobby of mine. I don't like sweets, so it's not like I can cut deserts out of my menu. I love fruits and vegetables, but they are so expensive. And I'm always worried about eating them quickly before they go bad. My husband always fights me whenever I try to get him to eat some vegies. He's just a meat and potatoes guy.
I've already stopped drinking soda. Which I must say was a very hard thing to do. And I still get insane cravings. But now in replacement of soda, I'm obsessed with sweet tea. Red Diamond brand actually. Which I think is at least a little bit healthier.
I also plan to buy a bike. But I'm torn between to. I nice cruisor or a trike. Both have great review. Not that different in price. They both have positives and negatives. They both have a high upright rating for back support. The trike needs to be eased around turns, but the bike doesn't have the balance support of the trike. I'm unsure of which to choose.
And since I don't have any friends I don't have anyone to ask besides my hubby. And all he says is that it is my decission about what I want. But I don't know.
Anyways, got off topic. I was discussing about my diet thoughts. I'm not the type of person that will eat only water and veggies to become thin. I hate that. I think its stupid and ridiculous. We only have a limited time on this world with the people we love. And I don't want to regret wasting all my time and happiness on torturing myself. If I die at a young age, or my husband dies at a young age, by some horrible accident, or some medical condition we couldn't help, I would be so mad that I had wasted so much time in the gym, or making myself sick on gross unfulfilling foods then being happy with my husband and life. I'm the type of person that would rather live life happy now than to regret it later.
I already have a lot to regret in my past for letting myself be pushed around and unhappy. So I want to step into the sunshing (figure of speaking) and embrace life. Not let problems hold me down. And not care what people of the world think of me. I am me. And they can't tell me who I am.
So, anyways, thoughts for today. I was laying in bed last night and couldn't sleep cuz I had all these thoughts running around inside my head. I thought about getting up and blogging them to release them but I was on the inside of the bed and I didn't want to wake hubby. So, I'll try venting now and hope that will help me sleep tonight cuz I have to get up early tomorrow and help mom move. I'm glad she got her new house.
So, my thoughts were these. I was thinking about my upcoming "health kick". My husband and I have been discussing weight loss methods. That's actually why I started this blog. I read an article about people having more success with weightloss because they maintained a blog. -- We were discussing different diet methods and not coming up with a lot of options. My husband loves food, and I love to make food. Cooking is such a fun and exciting hobby of mine. I don't like sweets, so it's not like I can cut deserts out of my menu. I love fruits and vegetables, but they are so expensive. And I'm always worried about eating them quickly before they go bad. My husband always fights me whenever I try to get him to eat some vegies. He's just a meat and potatoes guy.
I've already stopped drinking soda. Which I must say was a very hard thing to do. And I still get insane cravings. But now in replacement of soda, I'm obsessed with sweet tea. Red Diamond brand actually. Which I think is at least a little bit healthier.
I also plan to buy a bike. But I'm torn between to. I nice cruisor or a trike. Both have great review. Not that different in price. They both have positives and negatives. They both have a high upright rating for back support. The trike needs to be eased around turns, but the bike doesn't have the balance support of the trike. I'm unsure of which to choose.
And since I don't have any friends I don't have anyone to ask besides my hubby. And all he says is that it is my decission about what I want. But I don't know.
Anyways, got off topic. I was discussing about my diet thoughts. I'm not the type of person that will eat only water and veggies to become thin. I hate that. I think its stupid and ridiculous. We only have a limited time on this world with the people we love. And I don't want to regret wasting all my time and happiness on torturing myself. If I die at a young age, or my husband dies at a young age, by some horrible accident, or some medical condition we couldn't help, I would be so mad that I had wasted so much time in the gym, or making myself sick on gross unfulfilling foods then being happy with my husband and life. I'm the type of person that would rather live life happy now than to regret it later.
I already have a lot to regret in my past for letting myself be pushed around and unhappy. So I want to step into the sunshing (figure of speaking) and embrace life. Not let problems hold me down. And not care what people of the world think of me. I am me. And they can't tell me who I am.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Saying Hello
This is my first official blog post. I am starting a blog for severally reasons. One is to find a way to speak my mind. I am a very shy person and don't have any friends. I love making new friends, its just I have a problem with voicing my opinions out loud. I find it easier to type.
The second reason I am starting a blog is to help me chronolize my life. I have a memory problem where I forget. I forget a lot. And I fear I will forget all my life and loose every happy memory. So I want to make it a point to keep a diary of sorts. Not a lot happens to me. But what little that does should still be cherished.
The third reason, is that I read an article about people who have kept a blog while they were working to loose weight. I am overweight and I know I may need a little something to make sure I keep trying and not give up. I am hoping this blog will help me to voice the opinions I would normally keep to myself and to keep faith.
So hear it goes. Turning Whispers Into Songs. I am going to try to step out of the shadows and reach towards the sun.
I will also post pictures to represent a little of how I am feeling.
The second reason I am starting a blog is to help me chronolize my life. I have a memory problem where I forget. I forget a lot. And I fear I will forget all my life and loose every happy memory. So I want to make it a point to keep a diary of sorts. Not a lot happens to me. But what little that does should still be cherished.
The third reason, is that I read an article about people who have kept a blog while they were working to loose weight. I am overweight and I know I may need a little something to make sure I keep trying and not give up. I am hoping this blog will help me to voice the opinions I would normally keep to myself and to keep faith.
So hear it goes. Turning Whispers Into Songs. I am going to try to step out of the shadows and reach towards the sun.
I will also post pictures to represent a little of how I am feeling.
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