Hello Today

So I haven't written anything in awhile. My computer was sick. It didn't really have a virus per se. But it had some kind of memory problem. My computer friend fixed me up though. So yay.

Filed for taxes the other day. It was almost half of last years. But we're still in the positive, so its still good.

I got my new camera while I was away so I'll have some pictures up soon. Pictures of food I've made, my pets, and just random stuff I see. You won't see in pictures of me though. I don't like being in the photos.

Funny thing that happened today, one of the dogs tried to eat my husbands calzone while it was cooling. He didn't think it was funny. But I thought it was. He only nipped a little off the corner.

So. I think I'll go play Plants V.S. Zombies now. :P
Till next time

Thoughts I didn't really want to look at

So, I've been doing some deep thinking lately. Not very like me, but I really did. I've really been thinking about the uselessness of my life and the burden I am and have caused.

This is why I don't think. Because it usually comes back down to this.

My whole life I've been pushed around and squashed down and been molded into something to serve others and show no feelings. I've lived my life to serve and try to make people happy. I guess I thought if I tried hard enough and gave hard enough, someone would love me. But it never worked out that way.

But, I'm not gonna go into that. I've got secrets, but secrets can get people in trouble. No one ever thinks the help have ears.

But, my thoughts of late have been about my husband. I love him so dearly. I thought he was my one bit of light and happiness I was allowed to have in this life. Though, I've been thinking more and more often. Maybe everyone was right. We were young, and we rushed into things. I love him so so much. But, the truth is, I don't deserve him. The more and more I look at things, it makes me feel more useless and not good enough. . . And I think . . . That he is starting to realize this too. . . And it hurts, but I just keep seeing more and more reasons that I need to disappear. . .

I've even picked out the next wife for him. She's practically a better version of me. A lot of the same likes and common hobbies. More in common with my husband. And she's beautiful. My husband has already said he's fond of her. I think if I were out of the picture they would be so happy together.

But I know, I can't survive on my own. So I just need to find a way to disappear. It will make things so much better for everyone I love. And for others that don't even know it. I've sacrificed my feelings trying to make others happy my whole life. This would be my ultimate sacrifice. But it would make me happy. To make them happy. That's all I really want. Is to make them happy. To make him happy. And all I do is fail while I'm alive. So maybe it would be better to not be.

Those are my thoughts. Not like they really matter. I just wanted to sort them out easier and I know they'll be safe and hidden online.