I'm Back

I wish to apologize to my two followers. It is 7:38 AM and I thought I would write what's been happening lately not as an excuse but to explain my absence. I will start in order, not by relevance.

My Porsche has been a pain in my ass, if it wasn't one thing breaking, once I got it running again, something else broke. Basically I had to replace the starter and then the clutch cylinder. Pain in my ass. And I think the thermometer is out. But that's for another day.

I've actually been going to the doctors. Ick. Yeah, I know. I hate doctors and I will rant and complain and evil doctors (and vets). But that is why I drive almost two towns over to see this particular doctor. But, anyways. I've been going to the doctor because there were suspicions I might have cancer. Uterine or Ovarian cancer to be precise. So far the tests are all returning with negative signs and I'm going back in a week or so for more tests.

My grandmother-in-law had a mini stroke. (My husbands grandmother) Of my husband family, I get along with her the most. I love listening to her stories about her life and experiences. Or just discussing recipes or recent news with her. We were all worried and scared for her. But thankfully, she pulled through. And is not almost back to normal. Now if only she would quit smoking.

My Great Aunt Patty died. I didn't see her much growing up because she lived almost on the other side of the state. But she was one of the few family members I could remember even though I saw her less. She died from cancer. I was never told which cancer she had but that's not important. Patty was a woman I admired. She was so bright, witty, energetic and just filled with sunshine. And yet she was so tiny. She was fire in a small package. Something I didn't know about her was that she was religious. Her pastor at the funeral said even though she had cancer for such a long time and even knew she was near her end, she never gave up her faith. She was never angry, never felt shortened, and wanted everyone to know she loved them and she was without pain with Jesus. I cried so hard even though I'm not religious. But the thought of my loved one going through so much pain but always keeping a happy heart. I loved her and I will remember her. I swear that. I will not let her disappear from my memories. Rest in Peace Patty.

We were out of town for a bit because Jorel (my husband) had to go out of state for a special army class. The trip was horrible the experience a pain, and we were screwed over in money. Let's just say, I maybe be never going back to Arkansas. But, the trip back was nice. We stopped at a nice hotel I've been having my eye on. It was so much relaxing and better to wind down the trip with.

More recently. My grandmother had a heart attack the other day. So we've been at my mother's house giving support. We are all scared for her.Well, I don't think my husband cares. He's been so grumpy lately. It's been almost heartbreaking. He's supposed to be the one that holds me when I'm scared, and he just tunes me out whenever I try to talk to him. But enough about that. I'm worried for my grandmother. I love her dearly. She has been declining in health for awhile now and this heart attack was a big scare. She seems to be getting better but the hospital she's at doesn't seem to want to care for her. It kinda pisses me off. (Another reason why I hate doctors)

Anyways, I've been under a lot of stress. Not to mention broke as hell so I haven't been eating a lot lately. I tend to just focus on making sure my husband has enough to eat. I'm so very tired. I feel deflated. Like a blow -up doll with a hole in her chest. Sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Just, sleep the rest of my life away. So very tired, and so very alone.

I Need Some Feedback

I know this probably isn't the best site for what I need. But I'm trying to make my life better. For me and for my family. I am overweight and have been cursed with a condition that weakens my immunity. I have started taking vitamins daily, forcing myself to drink water. Forcing myself to try to keep as much as the water down as I can. Excersising when I can, even if all I can manage is a little yoga some days. And being more aware as to what I eat and how I prepare it. I have started a garden to grow some of my own vegetables organically. I force myself to eat on a regular basis. Trying for healthy, high in vitamins and protein products. I even, *shudders*, I even signed up for health insurance and am going to see a doctor next month. Gods, I hate doctors so much. Oh, by the way in other news. My beautiful Porsche baby is fixed and running, one day after I finished fixing her up. *sniffles* She has a rattle in her chest. And the Gods smile at me in my failures. Well, at least the hubby got a raise. Cause now I might have to take Porsche to a car doctor. Yes, it's confirmed. The Gods are laughing at me. So please, I would like feedback and discussions. I literally have no friends besides a couple people in other countries that write me when they can. I'd like feedback to compare what I'm doing and it will help keep me on track with my life. Angelina signing off for now. P.S. Did anyone else know that Pomegranate is the newest flavor of tootsie pops? Did not know that and I gotta say, it's not bad.

Goodbye Tomorrow

So, I think it's official. My husband no longer loves me. It's crushing. I've seen it coming. Watching him slowly slip away these past few months. Wanting to spend less time with me. Not listening when I'm talking to him. Wanting me less physically, but when he does want it he takes it with no regards to my feelings. Usually forcing himself on me and hurting me. And when I try to go to him so I can try to be close to him, he turns me away. He never sends me messages from work anymore, while coming home and telling me about the others girls he texted while at work.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I feel empty and confused. He is my life. All I have to work for. I wake up in the morning and think of what I'm going to do for him today. Should I make him another cake, maybe some cookies for his co-workers. What should he take for lunch to work today. Did he remember to eat breakfast before leaving. I should make sure to clean up his dishes. Did he let the dogs out or do I need to. What shall I make for dinner. Does anything need to be taken out of the freezer. Maybe I should save that for another day so we can have a nice sit-down dinner.

I tend to forget to feed myself. Or when I remember I tend not to eat anyways. Always afraid I'll eat something he'll want later. Or he won't have enough for his lunch. Or maybe, if I eat too much, we won't have enough food to make it to payday. He deserves the food. He earns the money for it. Today for example. I almost fainted on the stove making dinner cause my blood sugar is was so low for not eating all day. But I splashed some water on my face so I could make sure not to burn dinner. After I fed him, which he didn't thank me for or say any comments while he sat in front of the T.V. I rushed a few little bites before putting the rest away for his lunches, then went around cleaning after dinner. Loading the dishwasher, then loading the washing machine, because I thought maybe he was low on work socks. But when I finally sat down to take a rest, I realized he had gone to bed without saying anything to me and leaving the T.V. on.

I knew he was tired. They are doing extra training at work. He did 7 hours of bike training. Very tired. But still. . . I couldn't help but bite back tears that he didn't even say goodnight, or give me a kiss. He's been drifting so far away from me. And its becoming more and more difficult trying to reach him. And he's been so cranky this last few days. I don't know what to say, or do to make him feel better. I'm so lost. I just want to cuddle with my teddy bear and cry. But my bear is in the bedroom at the foot of the bed and I don't want to disturb him. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone.

Hello Today

So I haven't written anything in awhile. My computer was sick. It didn't really have a virus per se. But it had some kind of memory problem. My computer friend fixed me up though. So yay.

Filed for taxes the other day. It was almost half of last years. But we're still in the positive, so its still good.

I got my new camera while I was away so I'll have some pictures up soon. Pictures of food I've made, my pets, and just random stuff I see. You won't see in pictures of me though. I don't like being in the photos.

Funny thing that happened today, one of the dogs tried to eat my husbands calzone while it was cooling. He didn't think it was funny. But I thought it was. He only nipped a little off the corner.

So. I think I'll go play Plants V.S. Zombies now. :P
Till next time

Thoughts I didn't really want to look at

So, I've been doing some deep thinking lately. Not very like me, but I really did. I've really been thinking about the uselessness of my life and the burden I am and have caused.

This is why I don't think. Because it usually comes back down to this.

My whole life I've been pushed around and squashed down and been molded into something to serve others and show no feelings. I've lived my life to serve and try to make people happy. I guess I thought if I tried hard enough and gave hard enough, someone would love me. But it never worked out that way.

But, I'm not gonna go into that. I've got secrets, but secrets can get people in trouble. No one ever thinks the help have ears.

But, my thoughts of late have been about my husband. I love him so dearly. I thought he was my one bit of light and happiness I was allowed to have in this life. Though, I've been thinking more and more often. Maybe everyone was right. We were young, and we rushed into things. I love him so so much. But, the truth is, I don't deserve him. The more and more I look at things, it makes me feel more useless and not good enough. . . And I think . . . That he is starting to realize this too. . . And it hurts, but I just keep seeing more and more reasons that I need to disappear. . .

I've even picked out the next wife for him. She's practically a better version of me. A lot of the same likes and common hobbies. More in common with my husband. And she's beautiful. My husband has already said he's fond of her. I think if I were out of the picture they would be so happy together.

But I know, I can't survive on my own. So I just need to find a way to disappear. It will make things so much better for everyone I love. And for others that don't even know it. I've sacrificed my feelings trying to make others happy my whole life. This would be my ultimate sacrifice. But it would make me happy. To make them happy. That's all I really want. Is to make them happy. To make him happy. And all I do is fail while I'm alive. So maybe it would be better to not be.

Those are my thoughts. Not like they really matter. I just wanted to sort them out easier and I know they'll be safe and hidden online.

Bonjour

Today, I shall type with a french accent. :P

So, a lot has happened the past couple days. And I'm tired. Lol

So, pay day came early. I already said that. But we got up early and went to the bookstore and out to "lunch." Then went to our friends wedding around 6:30. The wedding was beautiful. Many people showed up. Makes me feel kinda crappy about myself. But oh well. Nothing new.

Lots of dancing and good music. Was lots of fun to watch all these young adults dancing with older relatives. All the friends they had were mostly from high school. I said that wrong. They were friends "in" high school. Only a few were underage. But everyone was close and had cute jokes and games.

I kinda felt like an outsider. It was so fun to watch. But made my chest hurt a little. I never could make many friends. And they all drifted away. Some rather quickly. My power of invisibility strengthened and I couldn't turn it off. I am forgetful and I am forgetful. Easy wiped from people's memories. *sighs*

It was so fun to watch. And I could at least dance a little with my husband. I have pictures of them dancing. I couldn't get any picture of the bride and groom. We were placed almost around the corner from the ceremony.

It's a picture of Jorel (hubby), Lance, and Roger (groom.) They were playing some wedding game where you could buy dances with the bride and groom. And Kayla (bride) had a long line of men suitors and Roger had no one. Lol. So Jorel and Lance decided they would dance with Roger to be a demonstration. And it worked. Lol. He got a big line of ladies.

This is a picture of everyone doing the macarina. Picture are pretty bad quality because they are from my phone. But my camera broke. Sadness. It was so fun to watch everyone have fun.

Ok. *wipes tears from eyes*

The party just would not disperse. Of course the older generation left first. But all his friends stayed behind to chat and dance and have fun. I don't think we got out of there until almost midnight. My feel were tired. And Jorel was even more tired because he and some friends watched a Ukrainian video on break dance moves that were ridiculous and did a unison dance that made everyone laugh there ass off. I should see if I can get that from someone. Maybe someone got a video. My phone couldn't take any more pictures.

After we left, we went to Ziggy's to munch on a couple of appetizers and decided we didn't want to go home. We were feeling good. He got a message from an army buddy. And we ended up saving her from a few drunk "friends" that were using all of her money. So we hung out together and became fast friends. I couldn't get myself to shut up. Me. Shy, talk to no one. I was going on and on about this and that. To like no end. It may have been the Cosmopolitan and the Amaretto Seduction I drank at the wedding. Plus, I was really tired and punch drunk. But I just couldn't stop talking with her.

She left us around 3 a.m. to drive her drunk friends home. I stayed up with hubby a couple more hours so mad that she was such a nice girl who let people treat her badly like she believed she didn't deserve better. I hate abusing friends. That's not friendship. Anyways, not going to ramble about that anymore.

Ok! Today. I traded my '94 Honda Civic with almost 200k miles on it for a '84 Porsche 944. Yes, I know. You're all jealous. Just kidding. Like any one will care.

The pic is one he took when we were discussing the trade. I'll get a new one tomorrow if I get up when the sun is out.

It's a 5-speed so I'm gonna have to learn stick. Joy. I already hate driving, but love cars. What's wrong with me? MMmmm, but I'm gonna love bending over that hood. He did a lot of work on it to upkeep so it's in good condition. But the fan blew out on his way to my place. Figures. So I'm gonna go out in the next couple of days to see if its the actual fan or the wiring. But, no biggie. Easy fix. Looking forward to it.

Wow, that was a lot of typing. And somewhere along the way the french accent disappeared from my head. Lol. I'll sign off for now. I bought a book about sushi the other day. So, Sayonara! <3

Its a Miracle!

Omg! Its a miracle! Payday came four days early and its nice and big with over time and holiday pay.